Those Advice given by My Dad That Saved Us when I became a New Father

"I believe I was simply just surviving for the first year."

Former Made In Chelsea personality Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver while also looking after their baby boy Leo.

"I handled every night time, every change… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan stated.

After nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct statement "You are not in a good spot. You require some help. In what way can I help you?" opened the door for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and regain his footing.

His story is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. Although people is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on mothers and about postpartum depression, far less attention is paid about the struggles new fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan thinks his struggles are symptomatic of a larger failure to communicate between men, who often internalise negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a show of failure to ask for help. I didn't do that soon enough," he explains.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert focusing on mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not justified to be asking for help" - most notably in front of a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental health is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the space to take a break - spending a few days away, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He came to see he needed to make a adjustment to focus on his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his feelings as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will enable his son to better grasp the language of emotional life and interpret his decisions as a father.

The idea of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, long-standing trauma caused his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor decisions" when in his youth to change how he felt, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he notes. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your other half or a therapist how you're feeling. It can help to ease the pressure and make you feel more supported.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the things that made you feel like yourself before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or gaming.
• Pay attention to the physical stuff - nutritious food, getting some exercise and when you can, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mind is doing.
• Meet other new dads - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, along with the good ones, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Understand that seeking help isn't failing - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the loss, having had no contact with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his child and instead offer the safety and nurturing he lacked.

When his son is about to have a meltdown, for example, they try "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings safely.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they confronted their pain, altered how they express themselves, and learned to control themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I think my job is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding as much as you are in this journey."