Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, my life has involved many, largely pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with other men once more.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I dread to imagine the emotional drain this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate various forms of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself more decisive and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
